Preface: I write this because I find that talking to my parents face to face a consistent way of receiving a typhoon of insults and criticisms I don't find necessary let alone I find them appalling coming from parents. I find that even bothering to say a semblance of a negative thing, whether it be constructive or not, a worthless attempt at reducing the effect of a bull's horns if not making the bull's horn larger and more dangerous as a way to rip me to pieces(that is, if I, myself, don't reach me first).

To you, my parents:
I find you both rather appalled at me and my behavior. You may claim it is only at my behavior so you can stop yourselves from becoming the parents of a suicidal child once again. However, I find this is a redundant thing, as I know that you don't actually like me as a person as it is. You like the version of me that you have cooked up in your heads long before I was conceived and have since then tried ever so willingly to force me into this mold. With that stated I might suggest the obvious...I WON'T FIT! I am my own person, no matter how much you may tear me down with your words and notions, saying things like "You have no real sense of self," "You're selfish," and my favorite, "You're weird/odd/different/artistic." You may say that the last is the obvious and truth. In sense, you can state that they are all the truth. However, the "you're weird" statement is an insult in your eyes. You might say that it is just a thing, it doesn't matter, but to you it does. It is the reason you won't accept me as who I am. It is the reason you claim "you're selfish", and "you have not real sense of self" as truth. It reason, I am not terribly selfish, at least no more than normal. You fine me selfish because I try to be my own person and won't just succumb to your preplanned mold. Nor do I not have a sense of self. In fact, I do know who I am and who I want to be. Whether they be unrealistic or not is my judgment, not yours. I know I am considered weird by others and you may be trying to make me ready for the outside world. By this, I understand your intentions, but I refuse to endorse them. Not only do you tell me I won't be accepted in the outside world, you make it perfectly clear I won't be accepted in your home as well, that I won't be accepted by my own parents. I find that easily the greatest and key fault in our relationship and your parenting.

With that said, I must admit I don't make it easy on you by living, which is why I have tried to commit suicide, in order to save you from the torture that is having a bitch of a first daughter. I guess luckily for you I am over that stage, finding that you don't care how much pain either one of us is in from each other, you would still rather not have the guilt and humiliation of being parents of a suicide child. Gotta please the neighbors’ right? This thought I strongly believe is real in you, especially you, mother. It seems you care more about what we show to world and how well we show than what and how we feel. You can be the best president in the world, still doesn't mean you aren't a philandering, alcoholic that had depression and no real love for his country. I feel like you care more about making the mask for me the wear than who I really am, this being the reason why you verbally tear me down with inconsistent words, insults and praises so I must live with the mask on just to function properly. The mask being the Abercrombie clothes you try to force my fat body into, the pills you make me pop and the constant wishing aloud how I were different. You, father, get sucked into it too. You try to keep a straight face and say you just want us happy, but you really want just what everyone in the 1950s movies want, the perfect family. To this I say, tsktsk IT'S NOT REAL! To this I say tsk tsk I'm not what you want! Sure I wish you'd forgive me for being me, but then I realize I don't care if you forgive me because I am me! I'm perfectly fine with that. If you don't care for me, who you've made perfectly clear that that's a yes, then I don't really care. I personally, find both of you really crude and selfish and completely foully disheartening.
To you, my heart goes out because you will never get that perfect first daughter,
-Catherine